Some bracing facts for Monday: Only one-third of America’s youth meet the minimum qualifications to even join the military and once the recruits are enlisted, another one-third of them wash out before they complete their term of enlistment.

We hear a lot about militarization of the police, but hardly anything about the opposite: The military’s transformation into a global police force.

We can’t decide if this is an intialism or an acronym since we’ve never heard it aloud, but we can’t imagine how it could realistically be pronounced without sounding like someone is choking you. But whatever it is, it’s fricken ridiculous. If you find another acronym or initialism longer than this in the world of military bureaucracy, we’ll get you a Phase Zero t-shirt and hail you as a Master Defense Jargon Analyst and Technician.

On Ambassador Road, just off I-695 around the corner from the FBI, nearly 100 employees sit in a high-tech suite and wait for terrorists to attack Baltimore. They’ve waited 11 years. But they still have plenty of work to do, like using the intel community’s toys to target this week’s street protests.

Everyone saw the USS Annapolis come home last year. It returned, poignantly, on Sept. 11, and there was a seriousness amid the usual dockside fanfare—sailors meeting newborn children for the first time, a school band playing "Anchors Aweigh." But there was no mention of the boat's secret missions.

On April 2, the United States is invading the nation of Isla del Sol. Marines and special forces will lead a coalition of 27 nations against organized Islamic terrorists who control the Pacific nation and its Shell Oil wells. And according to internal documents obtained by Gawker, the war will be over by next weekend.